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Girlfriend 1.0
Legal Blunders

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GIRLFRIEND 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.

And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he described as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

 
 

LEGAL BLUNDERS

The following are 21 questions that were actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.   Having spent quite a number of years as a paralegal I have no doubt these are accurate quotes.


1. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So then it IS possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

2. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

3. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

5. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

6. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

7. "Did he kill you?"

8. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

9. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

10. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

11. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

12. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

13. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

14. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

15. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

16. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

17. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

18. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No... he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

© J.L. Read, 1998. All Rights Reserved.
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to its creator, Janet L. Read
1949 — 2000

 

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