GOD WERE A PROGRAMMER
you imagine God as a computer programmer, some important theological
questions are answered.
What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but
then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features
onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than
How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in
the maintenance phase.
Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through
all those variables.
Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a
common word, or a date like your birthday.
Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than
he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared
of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically
and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things
can wait until tomorrow.
Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.
Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt
that it will ever be implemented.
What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess
up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,
God will just say that the tape has been lost.
If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just
get off his back and let him program.
Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.
Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form
of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?